…in my selfless crusade to assist the global scriveners’ family at large, I offer today’s wee test, which gauges yer aptitude in dealing with the mini-crises thrown the way of most of yeez quill-scrapers at sum’time in yer scribbling career… :-
1. What do yeez do with yer ninety-ninth consecutive rejection slip from A.N.Other Literary Agent?
a. Get active again, as with the other ninety-eight voodoo dolls to date
b. Prepare a champagne party in expectation of the imminent hundredth to complete yer century
c. What’s a Literary Agent?
d. Practice patience, coz yeez only sent out two thousand Query Letters
2. What do yeez do with yer first royalty check?
a. Check it’s made of paper, and not rubber
b. Order a slap-up celebratory fine-dining experience at KFC
c. Use it to pay down 0.0005386% of yer outstanding debts
d. Make a selfie showing the amount in large print and send it to both of yer friends
3. What do yeez do when yeez get yer first ‘O-stars’ negative review on Amazon?
a. Show yer balanced, sober, mature, adult approach to it all by sobbing uncontrollably for hours
b. Employ a private detective agency and a hitman to track down the reviewer
c. Respond to the review on the Amazon page in a calm, controlled manner, wishing the reviewer a prolonged armpit infestation of the fleas from a thousand camels’ ars*s
d. Make the reviewer a cretin of a character in yer next masterpiece and visit all sorts of horrible come-uppance on them
4. How do yeez deal with Writers Block?
a. Go onto Facebook and play there for an hour-and-a-half/ a-day-and-a-half/ a-week-and-a-half, pretending ye’re being constructive, looking for inspiration
b. Put it with the other Writers Blocks and build sum’thing with them
c. Take a coupla years off writing and travel round the world and many other places
d. Refuse to live in any building that has ‘Writers’ in the name
5. When yeez proof-read yer masterpiece, how often do yeez find stuff that has to be corrected?
a. They’re’s never eny errers in the grate stuff what I write
c. If my Ma likes it, that’s good enuff for the rest of the planet
d. Only about 11,238,502 times on a first read through, after that, it increases
Enjoy… answers please, on a gold-plated rejection letter…