Tag Archives: computer literacy

… ‘Yer-Capacity-To-Cope-With-Life’s-Little-Things-Thrown-At-Yeez-As-A-Writer’ test… #TBSU…

…in my selfless crusade to assist the global scriveners’ family at large, I offer today’s wee test, which gauges yer aptitude in dealing with the mini-crises thrown the way of most of yeez quill-scrapers at sum’time in yer scribbling career… :-

1. What do yeez do with yer ninety-ninth consecutive rejection slip from A.N.Other Literary Agent?

a. Get active again, as with the other ninety-eight voodoo dolls to date

b. Prepare a champagne party in expectation of the imminent hundredth to complete yer century

c. What’s a Literary Agent?

d. Practice patience, coz yeez only sent out two thousand Query Letters

2. What do yeez do with yer first royalty check?

a. Check it’s made of paper, and not rubber

b. Order a slap-up celebratory fine-dining experience at KFC

c. Use it to pay down 0.0005386% of yer outstanding debts

d. Make a selfie showing the amount in large print and send it to both of yer friends

3. What do yeez do when yeez get yer first  ‘O-stars’ negative review on Amazon?

a. Show yer balanced, sober, mature, adult approach to it all by sobbing uncontrollably for hours

b. Employ a private detective agency and a hitman to track down the reviewer

c. Respond to the review on the Amazon page in a calm, controlled manner, wishing the reviewer a prolonged armpit infestation of the fleas from a thousand camels’ ars*s

d. Make the reviewer a cretin of a character in yer next masterpiece and visit all sorts of horrible come-uppance on them

4. How do yeez deal with Writers Block?

a. Go onto Facebook and play there for an hour-and-a-half/ a-day-and-a-half/ a-week-and-a-half, pretending ye’re being constructive, looking for inspiration

b. Put it with the other Writers Blocks and build sum’thing with them

c. Take a coupla years off writing and travel round the world and many other places

d. Refuse to live in any building that has ‘Writers’ in the name

5. When yeez proof-read yer masterpiece, how often do yeez find stuff that has to be corrected?

a. They’re’s never eny errers in the grate stuff what I write

b. Proof-read?

c. If my Ma likes it, that’s good enuff for the rest of the planet

d. Only about 11,238,502 times on a first read through, after that, it increases

Enjoy… answers please, on a gold-plated rejection letter…

6 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

…Computer-JurassicNess test… for emb’dy over the age of, say, 40… #TBSU…

…the next in the  series of ‘WhateverNess’ tests… intended to weed out the computer numpties from the rest of we experts at it (a-hem)…it’s multiple choice, so yeez can enjoy being wrong many times over… have a go…

1. What happens when yeez switch on yer laptop?

a. If it lights up, yeez do a lap of honour

b. All the street lights in yer district go out

c. NUTHIN, but yer electric blinds start going up and down and yer television goes blank

d. Yeez have to call yer 6-year old grandson to have him explain what to hit next to get the page yeez want to start on

2. What’s a BetaMax?

a. A superior burger offering from Mcdonalds

b. Yer current equipment for watching movies at home (what? they’ve got colour films now?)

c. An obscure algebraic term for getting the most out of yer computer thingy

d. A top-of-the-line raincoat

3. Who was Steve Jobs?

a. First President of the Republic of Silicon Valley

b. That helpful guy down at the Labour Exchange Centre

c. An orchard mogul

d. Who? Steve Who?

4. Who do yeez call when yer laptop won’t work?

a. God (sometimes known as ‘please! God!’)

b. Yer Life Science psychiatrist

c. The local garage and yeez tell them yeez think it’s got a puncture

d. The laptop dealer and get them to send a ‘fresh’ one

5. What’s YouTube?

a. Yer personal metro subway system route

b. The wee cardboard roll that’s left when the toilet paper’s done

c. Something that makes loud noises from yer kid’s room

d. A means of getting to play all the music from yer youth 90 years ago

Answers please on a used printout (whatever that is)…

4 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

… ‘yeez might be a Writer if’ test… #TBSU…

…following the surprisingly large response to my attempt yesterday to create a ‘Scottishness Test’, …I think it needs a series of ‘whatever’ tests for the next few days… today’s multiple choice pitches yeez the question of yer ‘Writerness’ :-

1. What’s yer favoured means of communication with other people?

a. Mobile telephone

b. Screaming abuse at talking heads on television news channels

c. What’s ‘other people’?

d. Direct conversation, but only when it doesn’t interfere with internet stuff.

2. Which of these describes yer writing area?

a. A passing resemblance to a ‘Post -It’ billboard advertisement

b. As tidy as the aftermath of a hurricane strike

c. Furnished with its no-further-than-arms’-reach refrigerator, snack stack, chocolate store, biscuits and cookies tin

d. An elephant’s graveyard of torn Nobel Literature Prize candidacy manuscripts

3. When did yeez write yer first successful manuscript?

a. As a 3-year old child prodigy Man (Child) Booker Prize Winner

b. On the walls of the toilets in Walmart forty years ago

c.  As a begging letter to the latest EuroLottery winner

d. It’s due any time soon

4. Who is/was the biggest influence on yer writing career?

a. The person who taught yeez joined-up letters

b. Google and Yahoo search engines

c. The teacher who guided yeez in producing the wonderful stuff ‘like what I write’

d. Writing’s a career?

5. What’s yer favourite reading material?

a. Noddy, and any kindergarden books, so long as there’s lots of pictures and no big words

b. Current affairs as seen in the sports pages of the Daily Mail newspaper

c. Any book that can stabilise the writing desk when yeez put it under one of the wobbly legs

d. Laptop for Dummies.

enjoy!

15 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

…Scottishness test?… #TBSU…

…I’ve just seen sum’thing on Facebook about a test for Britishness… given the current interest in the Scottish Independence debate, p’raps a test for Scottishness would look like this :

Who should be the first prime Minister of Scotland?

a. Sean Connery
b. Billy Connolly
c. Mel Gibson
d. The Loch Ness Monster

What should be the National Game of Scotland?

a. Rugball
b. Footby
c, Raiding northern English towns
d. Arranging a referendum to give away the Independence

What year were Fried Mars Bars introduced?

a. 46 A.D.
b 25,857,012 B.C.
c. last year
d. Fried Mars Bars were introduced?

How many people in Scotland willingly pay tax?

a. Everybody
b. Naebody
c. Tax?
d. Can I call a friend?

What’s the Capital of Scotland?

a. Hampden Park
b. Glasburgh
c. Edingow
d. Stg 3.45

Answers please on a managers cheque to the usual address… you’re welcome!

3 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

…BLOGGERED… in all its glory!… #TBSU…

feb4edit  2

…here we go, here we go, here we go… taaa-raaaaa!

…of late, there has been a cacophony of raucous clamour, regarding my blog post collections… despite that, I am STILL gonna publish the latest selection… these comprise a composition of distilled daily efforts over the last several months, in which this ol’ Jurassic has spilled the blogging beans about life in the nether WURLD of self-publishing… a sprinkling of kind souls have seen fit to describe these as a mirror of the experience of many squillions of like-souls out there in Blog Land… my literary knees have been bruised countless times in the past year… the little grey cells have continued their struggle to grasp the nuances, quirks and pitfalls that await the indie scribbler… but, miraculously, the sun kept on rising on the next morrow… just proves there’s hope for all of yeez if I can survive this slalom en route to the Nobel Literature Prize Table, or at least to the door of the Hall where they present it… here’s a wee blurb on the contents this time around:

…Hilarious collection of blog posts by the Blogger of the Year 2013. A witty, informative, irreverent view of the self-publishing world. A self-confessed computer Jurassic shares his experiences and delight at being a small Scots cog in a sometimes baffling internet publishing universe.

…and the all-important links to the Great God Amazon Kindle:

UK : http://amzn.to/1jAOdUv

US : amzn.to/1cyhnvu 

9 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

..it’s all right, mate… I’ve got yer back covered… and yer front… #TBSU…

…they say yeez can’t always tell a book by its cover… in which case I’d ask, ‘…then what’s the point of the cover?’… there’s little doubt that the advent of the Great God Amazon Kindle has seen the emergence of squillions of first time newbies… self-publishing authors, seeking to emulate that wee Rowling lassie in hitting the literary jackpot on the internet… and this ol’ Jurassic is just one of them… the learning curve has been steep, admittedly a lot of fun, and undoubtedly a ton of hard WURK… I’ve acquired some vital knowledge along the journey… that real-live Agents and Publishers may well be a figment of the writing industry’s imagination… that just turning up and scribbling away at any old rubbish will be a cracking best-seller, ain’t gonna happen… that yer sleep patterns are gonna be disturbed worse than if yeez had ten screaming infants in yer household… that Amazon Kindle will do all the marketing/promotion/selling/advertising for yeez… aye, right!. (if yeez believe that, ye’re nuts).. and that having a compelling book cover is as important on the web as it is in the bookstores… of course, there are many splendid book covers on the internet… but sadly, in my not-so-‘umble opinion, there’s also some p’raps a tad less than acceptable… in the likes of the Waterstones and WH Smith outlets it’s a bit more casual… yeez can stroll around the place, pick up books, flip through the pages, admire the cover at length… not so much on the Kindle trail… the SOSYAL NETWURK short-term attention span syndrome has most of us looking at stuff with an instantaneous take… a glance if yeez are lucky, then on to the next image… it’s a bit like cartoons… fleeting time engagement… so I think a good… no, strike that… I think a GREAT cover page is even more essential for yer web offerings, fellow Lads and Lassies of Blog Land… I consider myself fortunate to have a brilliant artist from the Philippines who takes my vague blabberings about my novels’ content and converts them into a persuasive, ‘instant pull’ cover page… spend time, invest a little money if yeez have to… but don’t go half ars*d at it… here’s my covers…do yeez agree ?… see yeez later…

wall copy 2

8 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

…another wee one, found while editing, worth another share… #TBSU…

…Fried Mars Bars just don’t hack it, Mabel… 

…call me a bit of a foodie snob if yeez like, but I’ve never been a devourer of that Scottish delicacy, Fried Mars Bars… not to say that the odd dozen mouthfuls of chocolate don’t have their attraction, y’understand… but sticking the confection of the Gods into a deep-frying chip pan just doesn’t seem right… when the Govan Docklands in Glasgow where I grew up were still lit by street- and tenement-closemouth gaslights, epicureans were an unknown breed… delicacies of the day back then included the fried scrapings from the large fryers in the chip shops, the wee crunchy bits that fell off the fried fish and gathered at the bottom… we’d get these free as kids… add a pickled onion, and yeez had the supper of Nirvana… sometimes the back-ends of the plain bread, the one-piece kind of loaf that came with ‘doorstoppers’ at the ends would end up in the pan, fried in lard… none of yer fancy organic vegetable oil nonsense… the wee corner stores, the forerunners of the modern 7/11 outlets would give yeez massive discounts on broken biscuits… a collection of crumbs to some… a whole dinner to us… in Scotland the WURD ‘lunch’ was some strange meal eaten in South Britain… our midday meal was ‘dinner’, and the evening meal was yer ‘tea’ ‘high tea’ only appeared in posh houses, usually made up of daft wee sandwiches that wouldn’t feed a canary, and tea that wasn’t made from teabags… as a kid brought up in the city, I thought strawberries grew in tins, and came already drenched with sweet juice… pour in a wee bit of milk, and that would keep yeez drooling for days… salads were unheard of… vegetables were meant to populate soups and a never-ending stewing pot that yer Ma topped up every day with whatever digestible fare came to hand… and it was great… y’know, Mabel, there might be a fortune waiting for whoever opens a restaurant selling stuff the way we used to eat it… now where did I leave the indigestion tablets?…

9 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff