Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, come hither any and all who enjoy the combination of a superb wit coupled with excellent short stories. My Guest Blogger today, Andrew Peters, has opened up the world’s eyes to the adventures of Otis King, a Welsh-born blues musician cum Private Detective in the great city of Memphis. I strongly recommend to you his latest three offerings, all available on Kindle and elsewhere as noted below, (beneath Andrew’s totally misleading self-deprecating description of himself), viz: Solos; The Blues Detective; A Case For The Blues Detective.
Andrew, in a burst of unparalleled Celtic magnanimity is offering a signed copy and 5 eBook copies of Blues Detective for each 1000th response (okay, every 5th response as judged by me) on the blog or on my Facebook Page referring to this post and naming the country that Andrew currently resides in..( clue: check his Facebook )…Enjoy …
ANDY’S GUIDE TO WRITING A BEST SELLING NOVEL
1. Turn on computer.
2. Attempt to open word processor program. Open bottle of wine while it starts up, and enjoy a glass or two until the “NOT RESPONDING” message disappears.
3. Remove cat from keyboard.
4. Insert screwdriver blade under CAPSLOCK key and prise it off. You’ll thank me later for this one. Saves so much retyping when you accidentally brush it with one of your three typing fingers.
5. Remove cat from keyboard.
6. Insert small Philips screwdriver into hole where CAPSLOCK key used to be and turn off CAPSLOCK function.
7. Select font size. I recommend a 16 for the middle-aged author. You can change it later so you don’t end up displaying your masterpiece one word at a time on Kindle.
8. Remove bloody cat from keyboard, place cat in another room and shut door.
9. Refresh wine glass. Take a sip or two. Relax.
10. Remove second cat from keyboard, exclude from room. Carefully search room for cats. This step is essential, as all cats know the location of the secret key which will delete everything you have ever written in your life.
11. Type out brilliant novel. Press SAVE…….a lot……an awful lot. Every ten minutes or so, save it to the pen drive, every half hour or so put the pen drive in the laptop and save it there too. Buy another pendrive, an external hard drive, hire an Egyptian slave with papyrus scrolls and make copies everywhere.
12. Edit and proofread brilliant novel. For the love of God, save each edited file with a date, and don’t end up re-editing last week’s version. That way madness lies. Do not drink wine during this part of the process. Really not.
13. Purchase cover for brilliant novel. No, don’t try to do it yourself. No REALLY…..I recommend genius boy Joe Lumley firstname.lastname@example.org , but I am told there are others,nearly as skillful .
14. Upload brilliant novel to Amazon…..you DID upload the proofread version, didn’t you? See what I mean about putting dates on those files?
15. Tell nobody it’s there.
16. Buy it yourself.
17. Read it carefully in the biggest font you can on your Kindle.
18. Spend a week fixing the mistakes, then re-upload.
19. Repeat 16, 17 & 18 as necessary.
20. TELL THE WORLD THAT IT’S AVAILABLE.
21. Sit back and watch your sales mount & your royalties roll in.
22. Buy pizza with royalties (small, cheese & tomato…..no extra toppings).
23. Repeat steps 1-22 until you are as rich as you need to be.
Pah!! And they say it’s difficult. See you down the yacht club my friends.
Andrew Peters is a remarkably unfamous writer who is far too lazy to write any novels ever, but churns out plenty of short stories, many of them about Otis King, Memphis’ Number One Blues Detective.
He will be very happy to order a small cheese & tomato pizza at your expense if you care to invest in his masterpieces.