…one of my dear friends, and a fellow member of the Bahrain Writers Circle, the charming, m’Lady, Seher Hashmi, is a highly accomplished poetess…
…however, there is much more to her literary prowess than merely poetry… here is a remarkably amusing and insightful prod at Boris Johnson, who oft-times finds himself ‘hoist with his own petard’… Seher herself is a Muslim woman, very much of the modern world… enjoy her Guest Blog Post:
A Day in the Itinerary of Boris Johnson
6:30: Wakes up startled by jangling alarm mimicking the sound of firecrackers. Bangs the stop key, gasping like crazy.
6:40: Sits up straight, practicing balloon-breathing in bed.
6:50: Curses Trump, mouthing unspeakable profanities for at least 5 more minutes.
6:55: Changes the alarm setting to windchime, regrets letting his youngest grandkid play with his cell for a while.
7:00: Checks his Twitter which is breaking down with #apologiseJohnson #IslamophobicJohnson #hatefulJohnson. Takes sweet time going through all trending hashtags in a hope to find #YayJohnson or #GoodjobJohnson, in vain.
8:00: Shuts down his search and decides to go for a morning jog.
8:05: Catches his reflection in life-size mirror, wearing red and black chequered robe topped with his silvery tousled tuft; shrugs off an instant thought likening him to an old style British phone booth capped with snow, and changes into shorts and tee for the run.
8:30: While on his way down the street, finds himself running with at least 25 red-burka-clad ladies/letterboxes chanting in low rasping whispers, ‘Apologise!’.
8:35: Baffled, asks his bodyguard to take ladies away, who replies after giving him a fairly long look of concern, “Sir, guess you didn’t sleep well!”.
…8:40: Decides to cut short his run and takes a detour in his Aston Martin, sitting snuggled between his bodyguards,wondering if he saw burka-clad ladies or burka-clad letterboxes.
9:00: Takes shower, with bodyguard sitting inside washroom, covering eyes with his hands in case burka-clad ladies or letterboxes sneak in to infringe upon his privacy.
9:10: Catches bodyguard red-handed peeping through slits between his fingers and shames him, naming ‘Peeping Bod’.
9:30: Arrives by the breakfast table to find red velvet loaf served with black tea. Hesitantly nibbles on it while watching on tele the P.M Mrs. May urging him to apologise to people for his reckless remarks on Muslim women’s dressing code.
10:00: Skips eating; checks his cell phone and reads a message from his youngest son pleading with him to render apology, else his burka-donning GF will not do household chores for him.
10:30: Silently resolves to stay strong; picks up today’s newspaper where his wife’s picture blazes on the front-page headlining, “Human rights advocate, Mariana Johnson, demands apology from her husband and threatens failing to do so will end up in divorce”. Spills tea over his white shirt and yells out to his P.A., waving newspaper before him. Asks him to read out the entire news about Mariana. After a good five minutes of skimming and scanning, the P.A. lifts his head with a look given to a lunatic who insists upon being sane while being examined by a certified psychiatrist.
11:00: Calls his bodyguard to put him through to his daughter to gain her sympathy. She informs him right away about the rally of over a hundred feminist friends of hers, asking for women’s right to choose their dressing and his apology for dictating to them about it. Squeaks and squeals like a mouse to know his own daughter is heading and arranging it.
12:00: Curses Trump for putting extremist ideas into his head during his visit to the U.K.
12:30: Calls Trump only to be told that he is busy shooting out highly important tweets.
1:00: Regrets his own weakness for Russian beauty, fancying Melania and casting evil eye on Trump, which he is sure is the reason why Trump was able to delude him the way he did.
2:30: Frustrated, sends DM to Trump on twitter. He doesn’t reply.
3:30: Gets anonymous DM regarding Jeremy Corbin’s apology over anti-Semitism issue. A lesson in apology.
4:30: Switches tele to watch latest season of The Great British Bake Off only to realize another head-covering British woman has won it again.
5:30: Hitting different buttons on remote, flips through different channels and finally settles for, ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’; gawps absentmindedly to see all the Kardashian girls in black abayas with hijabs on heads, celebrating the spirit of Ramadan.
6:30: Turns off tele and rings Trump again and this time manages to catch him. Speaks his mind to him asking for help. Trump bashes Theresa May for not having balls enough to stand up for Boris Johnson against extreme-right factions within the party. Hangs up on Trump soon realizing Mrs. May isn’t supposed to have any.
7:30: Switches off all the electronic devices to block out horrific criticism. Sits down to tea served by celebrity cook Begum Nadiya Hussain, a head-covering lady of Muslim origin, in black abaya.
8:30: Completely drained of energy and strength, powers on the cell and sends his first tweet of the day, inserting broken heart emoji and apologises to all Muslim women for mocking them recklessly. Ends it with a namaste emoji meant to seek forgiveness.
9:00: Retires to bed feeling as light as a sheer silk veil worn by Muslim women of Arab origin.
…many thanks, m’Lady, Seher…
Seher Hashmi is a mummified poet, a classified satirist and a bona fide healthoholic. She lives by the lull of songs, lyrics, ballads, poems and spoken words, poetry and often records her rhythmic repertoire via her blog space. Her poems and imagery are inspired by the work of three iconic women of varying time zones: Maya Angelou, Arundhati Roy and Sia Furler. She is an active member of the Bahrain Writers Circle; her work has been published in prestigious magazines Muslim World Today, BLUE MINARET and in two anthologies of international poets titled, ‘THE ELEMENTS’ and ‘EROS’, compiled by Bahrain-based author Robin Barratt. Currently she is working on her first chap book of poetry with a passion known only to her.
Contact on Fb@SeherHashmi