…a voice, a voice… my kingdom for a real live voice…

…gotta ‘fess up right from the start… I am to compoootery communication things as square wheels are to a bicycle… but even my limited capability in manoeuvring through robot instructions online is seldom put to the sword as completely as it was today… picture if yeez will, Master Gallacher attempting to register his receipt of his renewed credit card, and the forlorn tilt at getting it ‘live’… the long-distance (expensive) overseas call to the institution which still risks its credibility by even allowing me to have the plastic money-gobbler gets through after the third try… the tin tones of the Tartaric taskmistress reels off a ‘welcome-to-ZYX-Bank-your-call-may-be-monitored-for-us-all-to-laugh-our-t*ts-off-later-when-we-wind-it-back-in-our-staff-room’


…followed by a rapid-fire selection of numbers, none of which relate directly to this poor old Scots scribbler’s simple need… when yeez get to number ‘9′, yeez have no alternative but to go through the menu again… on the fifth failed go at this, I stab at a number…any bluudy number… Lawd, just give me a clue how to manage this!… I listen for a full minute to the ream of ‘special offerings’ the bank currently has on offer for ‘its valued clients’, and decide ‘25% discount on kebabs in a restaurant in deepest Swindon’ is not really why I’m calling… another round of listening and this time I get through to the mortgage line… how the hell?… no, I’m not on to refinance my country lodge in Venezuela, thank you… can I please! please! please! just  get my new card live?… then… ‘thank you, your call is important to us (I swear I could detect a muffled snigger in that line), our agents are all busy right now, prob’ly until the middle of next year, but hold on, and keep burning up yer telephone bills from wherever ye’re calling us’… then the dreaded click! click! click!’… and the original tinny tremolo kicks in again,’welcome to, etc, etc’


…if emb’dy out there has any use for a smashed-up mobile phone, which seems incapable of surviving being thrown against the nearest wall, just call me, you will be welcome, as you are a valued etc, etc, etc… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

16 responses to “…a voice, a voice… my kingdom for a real live voice…

  1. Love, love, love this. 😀 Even the local Doctor’s surgery has jumped on this band wagon. It would be cheaper to hire a helicopter to take you there than pay the phone bill for a premium three hour call to just say ‘No thank you, I don’t want a flu jab!’
    I used to wander into my local bank ‘Hey Phil, can you get me Euros 500 for next Thursday.’ Sorted! Now, the only way is to order via Outer Mongolia so you are on the list for the world and his wife to call you about your non-existent accident. ‘Good afternoon Madam, How are you today?’ Air turns blue. Vengeance wears lots of colours. I tried a robotic voice to say ‘Please hold while I transfer you to our fraud department. Please state clearly your telephone number, date of birth, what you had for breakfast and the reason for your call.’
    Total confusion. Revenge is so sweet. At least it was a human being; you start to feel silly arguing with a computer. x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We get Social Security from the U.S. Every so many months we’re sent forms asking if anything’s changed. We diidn’t get the first ones for some reason. When we got the second ones, it said if we didn’t answer in one month the money would be cut off. I sent the signed forms the same day, but don’t know if they got them. I called the numbers given and got answering machines. I left messages. I won’t know if the forms were received unless the money’s cut off. That will tell us they weren’t received. 😦 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So glad I’m not the only one. It’s such a shame you cannot actually hit the person (or machine ) on the other end of the phone!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Sympathy, sharing your experiences and having a laugh WITH (never AT) Seumas would be nice – Why? – Because YOU are all valued… 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, it goes from one extreme to the other. I recently purchase something for the computer that I had to download, but didn’t want to download it yet. I contacted them via chat, and they reassured me I could contact them whenever I wanted to download it. I’ve received at least 20 e-mail messages and even a phone call (from the US!) to ask me about the download. And the thing cost me $12! Even when you can talk to people it seems the automated systems have a mind of their own.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    Can the one real person in the room please answer the damn phone. Seumas Gallacher on the joys of talking to disembodied customer service. I am afraid that 20 years ago I was responsible for putting in a new automatic answering system in for customer services. I did all the voice overs myself as I had the experience and this included all the messages on the telephone front end as well. Probably about 50 messages in total.. including outages etc. One day as I was wandering around Customer Services talking to my staff, the phones started ringing off the hook.. I picked up a phone to help out and asked how I could help and the man on the other end said ‘ I have been listening to you for the last bloody ten minutes..get me a real person!! However, I agree with Seumas.. it has gone too far.. bring back humans I say!!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s official. Computerized “help” has managed to complicate things so badly humans are murdering innocent phones – don’t kill the messenger!
    (Totally hilarious post…and they were snickering during that “your call is important….”. Years ago that phrase actually meant something, but now it’s like a red flag in front of a bull…)

    Liked by 1 person

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