…Authors, ALL yeez have to do on ‘How To Be The Most Successful Author’… EVER…

…piece of cake this writing gig… yeez just follow a few ROOLS, and hey presto, ye’re a bestseller with ginormous film contracts!… right?… wrong!… when this ol’ Jurassic was up to his laptop in scribbling the first ever Jack Calder crime thriller six years ago, little thought (read, ‘no thought’) entered my head during the scribbling of the thing as to what happens when yeez type ’the end’ on it… once the pink cloud of having actually finished the masterpiece receded marginally, then and only then did thoughts turn to becoming the WURLD’s next gazillion-copies seller, like that wee Rowling lassie… however, matching the likes of she, Lee Child, James Patterson, and Tom Clancy proved a tad more complicated than just banging the precious manuscript off to supposed drooling Agents and Publishers in London… after a while, the notion dawned— this success thing is more like solving the problem of clearing all the crocodiles and alligators off the face of the Earth, where, ALL yeez have to do is boil the ocean... so, here’s the distilled wisdom from my wee gray cells on ALL yeez have to do on ‘How To Be The Most Successful Author.’..EVER…

1. …marry the bosses of the top six international Publishing firms (the side issue of polygamy can be addressed later, let’s not nit-pick here)…

2. …write stuff that crosses all genres—produce a romantic, science fiction, mystery, erotic, historical, Young Adult vampire-y, Old Adult vampire-y, travel guide, crime thriller autobiography…

3. …have yer WURK translated into every language and dialect on the planet, and with illustrations…

4. …pretend ye’re the literary equivalent of the elusive, seldom publicly seen or photographed street artist, Banksy to attract that enigmatic factor (if yeez are Banksy, that’s a bonus)…

5. …pay sumb’dy at the genealogical family-tree tracking agency to warrant that ye’re actually related to Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Burns, Dickens, Defoe (and F.Scott Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, O’Hara and Ruark to secure the ‘Merikan Market, Mabel)… a linkage to Winston Churchill won’t do too badly either…

6. …persuade Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus and Kanye West to say they detest yer WURK… sure fire winner, that one…

…if that lot fails, I recommend yeez go help these guys boiling the ocean.. I don’t have to be this helpful, yeez know that, right?… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!…

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