…new… University crash courses in Author-ology and Blogger-ology…

…today, I’ve sent a whoosh of messages to the Oxford and Cambridge Universities Boards of Governors recommending the addition of new, eclectic courses of education to reflect the reality of modern day publishing… the WURLD is changing, and no more rapidly than in the fields of scribbling endeavour… if the planet is to continue to savour literary masterpieces a la Chuck Dickens, Billy Shakespeare and that wee Rowling lassie, a new approach to the quill-scraping industry is required immediately, if not sooner, Mabel… and if the Governors need any guidance, and are looking for ‘insider’ pointers, then I’m yer Huckleberry… more specific details may be had on application with the usual postal order for expenses to this ol’ Jurassic, but here’s a flavour of what yeez can expect from my proposed curricula:

Author-ology Course, to cover:

–how to re-fill the ink in a Mac laptop…

–physical exercises to keep yeez in yer writing chair for 48-hour stretches, including eyelids-permanently-prised-open manipulations, and ass-bone-muscle toning….

–how to cry in sixteen different tones and command a whole new range of here-to-fore unknown cussWURDS when receiving yer 101st rejection slip from Agents…

–elemental distinction between ‘Pantsers’ and ‘Plotters’… (none–they both have eight letters in them)

–learning how to control interactive sessions with the character committee meetings in yer head…

–how to re-engage with other human beings when yeez finally get yer heads up after typing ‘The End’


Blogger-ology Course, to cover:

–resisting the temptation to have yer Blog supersede yer novel-writing (a.k.a conning yerself that ye’re really WURKING)

–instil an understanding that Blog posts longer than 12,500 WURDS are unlikely to encourage an increase in yer follower base…

–realisation that avatar pictures of yerself with prison numbers still attached are not the ultimate way to attract the best attention…

–appreciation that ‘selfies’ on yer Blog are as welcome as Billy Connolly’s famous ‘fart-in-a-spacesuit’

–usage of yer Blog to spam yer masterpieces more than ten times daily is… is… is… well… is a big ‘no-no’

–building up 25,000 followers and following back 0, is a tad narcissistic…


…happy Authoring and Blogging, Lads and Lassies of Blog Land… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!




Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

29 responses to “…new… University crash courses in Author-ology and Blogger-ology…

  1. Guilty as charged, m’lud. Since not being able to write “properly” I’m becoming a professional blogger!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Seumas, you outdid yourself. You had me laughing out loud and made my day. 😀 I’m reblogging this on Musings On Live & Experience. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    This is truly hilarious. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wonder if the courses need staff? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You made me chuckle. I think there also needs to be coffee section, but that might be a whole course of study in itself. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Busted my gut, again–ouch!–your humor is a threat to international health.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Fantastic programme. I suspect some university courses are far less useful.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Ali Isaac

    Lmao! Brilliant Seumas! How is it that no one has ever spotted this gap in the market before! Glad we’ve got you looking out for us… lol! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. xD Fantastic stuff, Seumas! If you ever teach a course on refilling the ink in a Sony Vaio, let us know will you? I keep hitting print and nothing happens. Guess it came empty. :\

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I love a blogger with a sense of humor 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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