…the new breed of Soccer Olympians… the Diverse Divers…

…I won’t claim to have been around since the beginning of soccer, but I do go back far enuff to remember when Methuselah played centre-forward for the Cairo Camels Eleven… and in the dim and distant past of Master Gallacher’s youth, I played professionally in what was then the top flight Scottish Football League… the photo displayed here has been shown on my blog before…no, Mabel, I didn’t ask Mister Sepp Blatter’s permission to show it… yeez can clearly see me standing in the middle at the back….

photo

…the point is, I think, having been associated with the beautiful game for that length of time, my credentials stand up on being able to spot the charlatans currently nailing down salaries of up to Sterling 100,000 per week for showing the ability to con referees week in, week out… I’m a self-confessed human-transformed-into-a couch-potato every weekend when the English Premier League matches are beamed in live to the Middle East where I currently live… but there’s an epidemic which has infected every dressing room up and down the country… what used to be a splendid ‘contact sport’ now resembles the worst kind of pantomime for players who fall to the grass at the hint off a nudge from an opponent… they classify into distinct clusters, which I’m delighted to enumerate for yeez :

1. The Rudolph Nureyev/Nijinsky

swan

…these male footballers-cum-ballet-dancers assume the role normally reserved for the lead ballerina from Swan Lake… the Dying Swan routine is magnificent in its execution, but would be better suited to sumb’dy wearing a tutu rather than football boots…

2. The Lazarus

…the amazing recuperative powers of the trainer’s sponge is most appreciated in these situations when the seemingly lifeless corpse of the fallen player results in his scampering around like the Roadrunner, mere seconds after being close to receiving the Last Rites…

3. The Circus Acrobat

…many a professional tumbler would be put to shame compared with the half-pike, tuck, and forward rolls demonstrated by the guy who collapses in a heap twenty yards from where the contact tackle was first made…

acrobats

4. The Sniper’s Victim

…the opposite technique to The Circus Acrobat, this fellow goes down on the spot, like a ton of bricks, as if pierced through the skull by a marksman’s best shot…

5. The Pain Transferor

…an uncanny number of tackled players get hit, say, on the arm, the leg, or the hip, but instantly grab their face with both hands as if they’ve just been on the receiving end of the famous ‘Glasgow Kiss’ headbutt… a bewildering transference of pain from body part to facial body part…

6. The Lourdes Syndrome

…from an apparent imminent segue from this life to the soccer player’s after-WURLD, the miracle of salvation descends on the prone body, and up he jumps, emulating a participant in the greyhound stakes…

dog

..in another time and age, the famous quote resonates from the legendary John Lambie, former Club Manager of the Scottish side Partick Thistle (known to many as ‘Partick Thistle Nil’)… when told his concussed striker did not know who he was, said, “Tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.” 

… the game needs more John Lambie Managers!… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!

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7 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

7 responses to “…the new breed of Soccer Olympians… the Diverse Divers…

  1. This made me chuckle, Seumas 🙂 I’m no football fan, but my stepsons were and I have sat through more games than I care to mention… I even used to be able to explain the offside rule ( a dozen or so revisions ago)… and I recognise every one of these 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t understand much of it Seumas, but what I did understand was amusing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve watched (and tried not to watch) plenty of football as my father is a keen follower, and he’ll watch from the neighbourhood team to the high and mighty and I think your classification is spot on. It’s good to know quite a few of them have some career options after retiring (be acting, circus, ballet…)

    Liked by 1 person

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