…not for the faint-hearted… Death by Eye-Kee-Ah…


…there’s sum’thing robustly fair in being ‘ungifted’ in certain things… this ol’ Jurassic prides himself in a proficiency in cerebral pursuits… splendidly superb at Sudoko… craftily creative with crosswords… magically meticulous in mental ‘rithmetic… persuasively polished in poetry… the activity for ‘that’ side of the brain is factory-ish… but, the beautiful balance in all things that is the universe, disallows me any talent whatsoever in mechanical, gadgetry, computery or constructive stuff requiring the co-ordination of my hands with the brainbox… hence when faced with the reality that any household furniture buying is limited by a wallet and bank account that do not stretch to the purchase of Chesterfield Living Room sets, or Chippendale chairs and the like, resort has to be made to that deathly ‘you-are-never-to-go-there-Simba’, kinda place, ‘eye-kee-ah (‘IKEA’ to the rest of the civilised WURLD)… now, I don’t know about the rest of yeez… but I prefer my Swedes with mashed potatoes and mince… not pre-packed household items of the devil for the engineeringly-challenged… first of all, have yeez ever tried going into an eye-kee-ah store and get out again within an hour and a half?… yeez are obliged to undertake a labyrinthian maze through department after department of goods with names spelled backwards, sidewards, upwards… any way except understandable-wards… eventually, yer plastic gets waved through the credit-card system and yeez are the proud owner of stuff with names like ZtysGfed, Koshuienwwwl, and Podddkkyilt… we used to know these as ‘tables’ and ‘chairs’ and ‘wardrobes’


…during the attempts to figure out how to assemble these bluudy Satanic machinations in the peaceful bosoms of yer own homes, they may take on other more Anglo-Saxon names beginning with ‘F’, ‘C’ and ‘B’, (whatever they may mean, Mabel)… it can lead, of course, to a home full of ‘eclectic’ shapes and appearance… wardrobes with handles back to front… chairs with back-strats at varying angles to each other… and my piece de resistance, a table with an upside-down top…


…I think I’ll stick to solving rubic cubes and re-writing War and Peace backwards in Sanskrit … meantime, if emb’dy needs a pile of left-over chair-legs, and cupboard glass frontages, let me know… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

16 responses to “…not for the faint-hearted… Death by Eye-Kee-Ah…

  1. LUV your efforts in assembly Seumas 😀
    BTW, you forgot to mention the mandatory IKEA Eatery where you buy anything on offer to eat and drink just to regain enough energy to reach said escape exit 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hilarious. 😀 I suppose I view it that way because I’ve never tried putting one of those items together. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re very right. A friend of mine works in Ikea and when I told her how many times (well the few times I’ve been. I try and avoid it like the plague) I’d got lost there she told me they had shortcuts they followed and went through doors we poor clients couldn’t use, that’s how they got from one place to another without spending hours and hours wondering around. If putting them together wasn’t bad enough, depending on how elaborate the contraption is (for example, if it is a whole bedroom set that has several bits), you have to look for tonnes of doors, drawers, etc, put them in the trolley and then discover some of the most important bits are not there. So you have to go back again. Some other day when they have a delivery…I live alone and trying to assemble much of the furniture on my own (even when not Ikea) is a challenge and a half. But I’ve survived to tell the tale so far…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Perhaps this will help… 🙂 Meet Billy the Bookcase! He says hello! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auKWEKzVulQ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Cate Russell-Cole

    LOL. I can Ikea with accuracy, but your Soduku skills, they leave me very, very impressed indeed. I’m not even sure I spelled Soduku correctly…


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