…Guest Bloggers come in all guises to this Web page… seldom have I had such a refreshing contributor as today’s pal, Author Heather Hill… her arachnically-challenged post itself will intrigue yeez, but I implore yeez (that’s ‘beg’, Mabel) to have a sneak view of her debut off’ring, ‘The New Mrs D’ … like a splash of cold water in yer face, this is real original wit… and it’s not yer chic-lit book… it’s out and out funny, clever, and more than just a tad insightful… they say successful writing resonates with readers… wee snippets and even bigger snippets that make yeez think, ‘yes, been there, done that, felt that’… step up Heather Hill, immediate darling hit on the Amazon charts… yeez’ll like her… over to Heather:
HEATHER HILL’S POST
Firstly a HUGE thank you to Seumas for letting me loose on his site after my reading his excellent, ‘Self Publishing Steps to Successful Sales’, which I devoured prior to releasing my debut novel, ‘The New Mrs D’ before it promptly shot into an Amazon 100 Best Sellers list within twenty four hours of becoming available for pre-order. And all because the lady loves… Seumas Gallacher.
So, to my guest post, which will take the form of a confession. I’ve been wishing to reveal this for some time, but had to travel the world via the power of Google just to make sure I wasn’t bonkers before telling people this:
I see spiders that aren’t there.
Don’t laugh; it’s true. I’m not writing some twisted yet utterly hilarious ‘The Sixth Sense’ spoof. (But then again, hold that thought…)
Sometimes I tend to nod off during the day. Only for a teenie, tiny nap you understand – and every now and again, just at that point between sleep and complete wakefulness – you know the part, where you’re just noticing a weird, thunderous noise that might be coming from your own throat, your mouth is hanging open and you’ve dribbled bit – I see spiders. Either on my pillow, climbing up the wall or (horrors) hanging from a bit of web over my face. And yes, they are actual spiders. Not weird shapes that could be spiders; not dark shadows that have arachnid qualities, not my own eyelashes – okay once it was. These are genuine spiders of varying species which I am sure I have seen before out in the real world. Yet after I blink, rub my eyes or hit out at them in panic – POUF! – they are gone. And the really mysterious thing is THEY WERE NEVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Now you are wondering why I don’t think I’m bonkers after checking the world wide… erm… web (no pun intended). It’s because after Googling ‘I see spiders that aren’t there’, I’ve found LOADS of people who’ve had the same thing happen to them! I’m not alone! If I’m being haunted by some spider-from-another-dominion, they aren’t just picking on me. I’m not the only one capable of helping lost spider souls cross over into the light. I don’t have to feel I’m the sole portal for relaying messages about brutal, spider murders to hoards of devastated, spider relatives. This is great news. And yet, still weird.
Luckily, I’m not really terrified of spiders or this would be really awful; although I wouldn’t like to wake up to find a giant, furry tarantula on my bedside table. Thankfully, it seems none of these have been the victim of a homicide recently.
So, I’m okay, don’t worry. They’re not real, just visiting. Like me today…
Thank you Seumas.
And now, I must return from whence I came and get back to writing my next novel. Oh and Google said, despite my having company out there in the world, I am bonkers.
…You have been reading comedy writer, author and mum of five (not the band) Heather Hill. You’ll find her blog here at: www.hell4heather.com, her daily thoughts and musings on Twitter @hell4heather and her genuinely hilarious debut novel, ‘The New Mrs D’, here: www.bit.ly/TheNewMrsD
…now, Lads and Lassies of Blog Land, go click on the Kindle picture of The New Mrs D and just try to read only two pages… a bit like trying to eat just one peanut… bet yeez can’t … see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!…
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