…my new, but already extinct language…Seumas-ese… #TBSU…

…it’s quite possible that many of yeez have had the same experience in yer lives… the surprising and often unwitting discovery that yeez may have stumbled upon a brand new language… in the nature of linguistics, by definition, a ‘new’ language will be decipherable to a limited number of speakers… in this case, essentially only one speaker, in fact, who understands it… p’raps yeez’ll recognise the symptoms, here’s how I become aware of it… fr’example, I approach a gaggle of shop assistants and say in a polite, modulated tone, ‘excuse me!’… the posse behind the serving counter remain oblivious to my utterance, even when repeated two or three times… I think, apparently mistakenly, that I’m speaking in English, but the non-response leaves me to ponder otherwise… shift the scenario to any thriving coffee shop or restaurant… frequently, my attempts to catch the attention of passing waiters or waitresses results in the same forlorn negative consequence… nil reply… it gets worse… I try waving menus, and shout ’hello!’ as they scoot past my table, the 1000-yard stare fixed straight ahead, and certainly taking no heed of my exhortations for service…

…it surely can’t be that people are actually ignoring me?... not I, the iconic Legend-In-His-Own-Lunchbox author… so, I surmise it’s the language thingy… Seumas-ese… soon to be offered in international Berlitz-style courses… learn in a matter of days how to speak in a tongue that no-one else on the planet will seem to comprehend… baffle yer family and friends with yer command of a new and already extinct language… if yeez WURK on this yerselves, I’m sure yeez’ll patent yer own particular dialects… go for it… but please, please, don’t ask any shop assistants or waiters to help yeez with it… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!…

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