Monthly Archives: December 2013

…there’s times when ONLY a Big Mac and Double Fries can hit the spot… #TBSU…

…I’m about to bring down upon my head the unholy wrath of the Royal Society of Nutritionists and Dieticians… much as I’ve managed to steer well clear of that Scottish culinary delicacy, the Fried Mars Bar, I do have a propensity for weak-willedness in the menu department… Foie Gras is a favourite (…bang goes another crowd of people I’ll upset in one sentence…)… although yeez can keep yer truffles and yer artichokes, however well prepared they may be… escargots (or snails where I come from) swimming in butter and sprinkled with pesto, scooped up with strips of fresh baguettes are unbeatable… this ol’ Jurassic these days eschews (not chews) asparagus, coz despite what other people say is ‘impossible’, it does make my p*ss stink… like many of yeez from Scotland, I will never resist a good ribeye steak (but none of yer ‘blue’ to ‘rare-done’ nonsense… a good well-done-get-it-crispy-so-yeez-can-gnaw-the-end-cut is always best…)… quail’s eggs I can take or leave (I think the quail would prefer I left them)… in thirty-three years of travelling around the globe, most cuisines have had their attractions… Indian and Sri Lankan curries, Chinese herbal plates, Filipino dishes, Japanese stuff yeez can’t pronounce or even understand where they come from, but taste ‘okay’raw fish can be acceptable on occasion, but hardly matches a belter of a Scottish Haddock and Chips drenched in vinegar, eaten from a handheld newspaper wrapper… all fine delicacies, for sure… but let’s get honest here… emb’dy whose been there and done it will tell yeez… there’s times when ONLY a Big Mac and Double Fries reaches the parts that other comestibles can’t reach… get it down yeez with a huge beaker of what passes for a drink, yon watery Diet Coke or some other imposter… top it all off with a tub of ice cream, with strawberry and caramel syrup… trouble is, once yeez’ve finished, ye’re hungry again in only about three weeks… pass me the napkin, Mabel… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ

fishbig macsteak

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…and yet another flashback to a bygone era…the Rolling Stones have a lot to answer for… #TBSU…

…yesterday, I rambled on through this blog about my football-career-interruptus… as a promising future God of the Soccer WURLD Cup stuff of Legend… sent packing in my teens down to London to WURK in a bank… little did we know that fifty years in the future, being a Banker (that’s ‘Banker’ with a ‘B’, Mabel, with a ‘B’…) would equate to a level worse than ‘mass-murderer’,’Lord-Justin-Beiber-beleiber’ or SkyNEWS broadcaster… however, before that enforced episode of journeying South from God’s Promised Land, Scotland (of course!) …this ol’ Jurassic was the front man/singer in a beat group… some of yeez will remember when they were called that, back then… none of yer namby-pamby ‘boys band’… or worse still, lip-synching ‘ensembles’… every street in Docklands Govan in Glasgow produced at least one such beat group… the average age of membership approached double figures in some cases… voices of a few were at that ‘interesting’ point, just breaking from boyish soprano to husky tenor, and back again, without warning… some of us hadn’t even experienced the joys of facial acne yet… driven by daft Uncles’ and benign Aunties’ guarantor arrangements, instruments were purchased on the ‘never-never’, commonly known as ‘bought on the drip’… good old Hire Purchase at its best… our lead guitarist could actually play more than eight chords, which made him a mega-star round our area… the Rolling Stones, the Kinks, The Moody Blues,  the Beatles, (emb’dy remember them?), the Yardbirds, Freddy and the Dreamers, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Bob Dylan, Donovan, et al were the chosen deities at whose imaginary feet we worshipped… I used to pump out stuff on a single-reed harmonica, a-la-Mick-Jagger-blues-wailing style… then we’d hammer every number these guys produced… we called the group, ‘The Other Side’, and had fancy cards printed up with the name on it, then handed them out all over the place… we gave up when people just kept on turning the cards over and over… we changed the name to ‘Green Onions’, the genesis of which still baffles me… but here’s the thing… I can still remember every WURD of every song we did… the lyrics actually made some sort of sense to us back then… oh, yes, the Rolling Stones have a lot to answer for… gotta tune up for a wee warble now… see yeez later…

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…the Beautiful Game of Scottish Football… my part in its downfall… #TBSU…

…every now and then, flashbacks wander through what’s left of my little grey cells… I wouldn’t ‘zactly call them mem’ries, coz sometimes things happened so-oo-oo loo-oo-ong ago, there may be a wee bit of doubt in the actual recollection… when yeez get to a certain age, it becomes kinda tricky for people to check the veracity of what yer own mind seems to recall, coz it all took place more than half a century back… but I DO know this… as a youth, this ol’ Jurassic enjoyed some success on the soccer fields around Glasgow… in those days we had no such fancy positions as ‘mid-field’ or ‘striker’ or ‘centre-backs’ … these were ‘half-backs or wing-halfs‘…left-, right- and centre-, and forwards were inside-right, inside-left, and centre-forward... wingers stayed on the wings and ran like the wind, coz if the opposition full backs caught them, they usually made a fair attempt at chopping their legs off… the ball weighed about six times the current ping-pongs they boot sixty yards nowadays, and if was a wet day, that went up to ten times, and Heaven help yeez if yeez headed the ball at the side where it was laced up… leave yeez with scars for weeks, that one… the more usual surface was a mixture of mud and bare grass on the good pitches, and nets for the goals were a thing of beauty used only during serious cup-tie clashes… I played as a junior with a Scottish First Division team of that period called Third Lanark (there was no First Lanark or Second Lanark)… I started out as a left-winger (NUTHIN to do with political affiliation), and moved onto centre-forward, where, as a goal-scorer,  I was deadly from five inches around the goal line… poacher supreme, me… I played three times at that Monument to Scottish Football, Hampden Park, where, without a following gale, it was impossible to reach the goals from the corner flag with a corner kick, the field was so big… my footballing career North of the Border was curtailed when the Bank I WURKED for foolishly believed they needed my talents in London… not long afterwards, Third Lanark went bust…NUTHIN to do with me, I plead, although I often wonder now, if that was the beginning of the end of Scottish Football’s dominance on the WURLD stage… if I hadn’t left for London, would it all have WURKED out differently for the game there…? see yeez later… here’s a wee photo of me in my best football gear, see if yeez can spot which one is me…

ftball

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…WURLD scoop… what’s in the Queen’s handbag?… #TBSU…

…Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second of England (a.k.a. Queen Elizabeth the First of Scotland, as some of my fellow Caledonians will continue to attest) has ruled these British Isles  for 60 years now… a fair old WURK shift yeez have to admit… one noticeably constant appendage feature in her public walkabouts and engagements is her hubbie, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (a.k.a the Chookie Ennbra, in Scotland)… the other royal don’t-leave-home-without-it item is her handbag… and it’s never one of yer teeny wee clutch thingy-s, but a proper watch-yer-head-if-she-takes-a swing-at-yeez-with-it weapon… most of the ladies in my life have tended to utilise such fashion accessories as portable haversacks, containing everything from the proverbial kitchen sink to such vitally important items as bits of biscuits half-eaten from the last picnic attended… I can reveal in a WURLD scoop that her Majesty’s handbag carries more important paraphernalia… as a matter of State Security, some of the contents must remain unrevealed (but for a small deposit to my offshore bank account, I may whisper it to yeez)… unfailingly before leaving Buck House, the Monarchic Missus will scoop off the kitchen table into her bag-of-the-day some of the following: a range of lipsticks, lest running repairs be needed at the Opening of Parliament (…her favourite colour apparently is a neat little line in Goth Royal Blue…)…a bit of paper with the telephone number of Regal Taxis (Horse-Borne) Limited, in the event the Gold State Carriage gets a puncture… some business cards to hand out at cocktail parties, with simply ‘Queen’ embossed, although a Court Case with Freddy Mercury’s people still lingers over her right to use that title… one interesting feature is that Her Highness does not carry an Identity Card, but prefers to have a folded-up sterling pound note at the bottom of the bag, which in case of I/D requirement she can produce and show folks her picture on it… oh, and she always carries at least one of my crime thrillers to keep herself amused on long flights… a woman of impeccable taste… (obviously)… see yeez later …

queenbag 2

bag 1

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…in 2014, I’ll be an iconic blockbusting WURLD-wide bestselling Author, or else… or else… or else, I won’t… #TBSU…

…there are times, I know, I become beset with delusions of adequacy… but an ol’ Jurassic’s allowed to dream, isn’t he?…  from time to time these days, the little grey cells are apt to wander anyway… of course, I subscribe a million percent to the dictum that an author’s first ‘target market’ should be himself or herself… that still doesn’t detract from the desire to have yer masterpieces embraced by a global readership… to be touted in Toronto, Timbuktu and Tonbridge… to become a Literary Lion in London, Las Vegas and Lewisham… to attract accolades from Adelaide, Amsterdam and Ascot… to evoke ecstatic enthralment in Ecuador, Ethiopia and Edinburgh… the blessed curse or accursed blessing of the Great God Amazon Kindle and its ilk makes all of that massive pipe-dream possible… probable?… p’raps not… but possible, Mabel… definitely possible… the reality for the vast majority of this wonderful dabbling diaspora of quill-scrappers is that less than 0.00000000263 % of yer WURKS are likely to enjoy more than a few hundred copies downloaded… regardless, we continue to reach for the ‘bestseller tag’ Holy Grail… I don’t know about emb’dy else, but when I see even one download ticked against my Amazon Reports Pages I feel good… really good… when yeez see yer book cover adorn the shelves of yer local book store, try telling me yeez don’t get at the very least a wee frisson of pleasure… and then, joy of joys, the pinnacle of yer day, when someone asks yeez to sign yer autograph in the inside cover of yer wee baby… magic, that’s what it is… among the many good reasons we virtual candle-lit garret dwellers write, these are just a sprinkling… I wish each and ev’ry one of yeez Lads and Lassies of Blog Land a wondrous, mystical journey next year… as for me, in 2014, I’ll be an iconic blockbusting WURLD-wide bestselling Author, or else… or else… or else, I won’t… LUV YEEZ… my Amazon Countdown Program offer on VENGEANCE WEARS BLACK ends at midnight today, December 27th… the links are here:

US  http://amzn.to/W59BB3  at USD 0.99

UK  http://amzn.to/13yV1YX at STG 0.99

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…a wee idea for the whizzes in the Sales/Marketing Division at Amazon Kindle… #TBSU…

FOR THE SALES/MARKETING GENIUSES OVER AT AMAZON KINDLE:

…right, Mabel, we’ve had the AMAZON FREE PROMO stuff, (…where the Author gives the books away FREE) …now we’re in the AMAZON COUNTDOWN PROGRAM (…where the Author gives the books away at GIGANTIC DISCOUNTS),…. my ‘umble suggestion for the next whizz of a product… AMAZON ABSOLUTE LOONEY OFFERS, (….where the Author PAYS people to take their books)… I’ll run the program, and take a percentage of the readers savings…should WURK, right ?… I don’t HAVE to be this helpful, y’know…

…meanwhile…here’s the Amazon Countdown Offer on VENGEANCE WEARS BLACK..1 day and 15 hours remaining….

US http://amzn.to/W59BB3   USD 0.99
UK http://amzn.to/13yV1YX   STG  0.99

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…the range of value on an Author’s masterpiece…WURTH-less? or Priceless?… #TBSU…

…it’s a strange phenomenon, this business of what people think they’re paying for when they fork out hard cash… if a maestro should pick up a violin on offer at an auction and start playing it, the bidding goes through the roof… if yeez play it yerself… they’ll be handing out earplugs… when yeez go the sales and see an item labelled the ‘last one in stock’, yeez are more likely to grab it and pay, regardless of the price tag… I’m told there’s nowt as queer as folks… I’d go one further and posit there’s nowt as strange as folks’ perception of value… a WURD so often incorrectly confused with ‘price’ or ‘cost’… ask any of our fellow quill-scrapers to put a value on any of their life’s literary labours… yeez’ll find it hard to get a number as a reply… that anybody should be expected to labour for the best part of months, and sometimes years, to craft their masterpiece, then be asked to throw it away for less than the price of a Starbucks is totally beyond my comprehension… but then, I’m just a daft ol’ Scots Jurassic, so what do I know?… thankfully, I’ve managed (almost) to acquire that extra layer of rhino skin yeez need as a scribbler as defence against such aberrations as a negative review, or yer laptop exploding at the wrong time (is there a ‘right’ time for yer Mac to combust?…) …yesterday I was pleased to have that added skin protection… here’s what happened… all this week, I’ve been dabbling in the Amazon Countdown Program, where yeez offer yer wee tomes at hugely discounted prices for a limited period… it seems that sumb’dy actually bought my Jack Calder crime thriller,VENGEANCE WEARS BLACK, for the massive outlay of Stg 0.99… so far so good… then, Mabel… oh then… promptly REFUNDED their expenditure… gob-smacked, I was… stunned with this reversal in my accruing fortune… bang went the vision of the downpayment for the Ferrari… hopes of that month-long five-star cruise to the Caribbean evaporated in a nano-second… happily, another party came and bought a copy for the same price… p’raps all is not yet lost… now, where did I leave the number for that cruise-booking agent?… with only one day and eighteen hours left on the Countdown, maybe another sale for Stg 0.99 is gonna come cascading in… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ

AMAZON LINKS FOR VENGEANCE WEARS BLACK

US  http://amzn.to/W59BB3

UK  http://amzn.to/13yV1YX

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