Guest Blogger, Andrew N. Peters

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, come hither any and all who enjoy the combination of a superb wit coupled with excellent short stories. My Guest Blogger today, Andrew Peters, has opened up the world’s eyes to the adventures of Otis King, a Welsh-born blues musician cum Private Detective in the great city of Memphis. I strongly recommend to you his latest three offerings, all available on Kindle and elsewhere as noted below, (beneath Andrew’s totally misleading self-deprecating description of himself),  viz:  Solos;   The Blues Detective;    A Case For The Blues Detective.

Andrew, in a burst of unparalleled Celtic magnanimity is offering a signed copy and 5 eBook copies of Blues Detective for each 1000th response (okay, every 5th response as judged by me) on the blog or on my Facebook Page referring to this post and naming the country that Andrew currently resides in..( clue: check his Facebook )…Enjoy …

ANDY’S GUIDE TO WRITING A BEST SELLING NOVEL

1. Turn on computer.

2. Attempt to open word processor program. Open bottle of wine while it starts up, and enjoy a glass or two until the “NOT RESPONDING” message disappears.

3. Remove cat from keyboard.

4. Insert screwdriver blade under CAPSLOCK key and prise it off. You’ll thank me later for this one. Saves so much retyping when you accidentally brush it with one of your three typing fingers.

5. Remove cat from keyboard.

6. Insert small Philips screwdriver into hole where CAPSLOCK key used to be and turn off CAPSLOCK function.

7. Select font size. I recommend a 16 for the middle-aged author. You can change it later so you don’t end up displaying your masterpiece one word at a time on Kindle.

8. Remove bloody cat from keyboard, place cat in another room and shut door.

9.  Refresh wine glass. Take a sip or two. Relax.

10. Remove second cat from keyboard, exclude from room. Carefully search room for cats. This step is essential, as all cats know the location of the secret key which will delete everything you have ever written in your life.

11. Type out brilliant novel. Press SAVE…….a lot……an awful lot. Every ten minutes or so, save it to the pen drive, every half hour or so put the pen drive in the laptop and save it there too. Buy another pendrive, an external hard drive, hire an Egyptian slave with papyrus scrolls and make copies everywhere.

12. Edit and proofread brilliant novel. For the love of God, save each edited file with a date, and don’t end up re-editing last week’s version. That way madness lies. Do not drink wine during this part of the process. Really not.

13. Purchase cover for brilliant novel. No, don’t try to do it yourself. No REALLY…..I recommend genius boy Joe Lumley joe-lumley@live.co.uk  , but I am told there are others,nearly as skillful  .

14. Upload brilliant novel to Amazon…..you DID upload the proofread version, didn’t you? See what I mean about putting dates on those files?

15. Tell nobody it’s there.

16. Buy it yourself.

17. Read it carefully in the biggest font you can on your Kindle.

18. Spend a week fixing the mistakes, then re-upload.

19. Repeat 16, 17 & 18 as necessary.

20. TELL THE WORLD THAT IT’S AVAILABLE.

21. Sit back and watch your sales mount & your royalties roll in.

22. Buy pizza with royalties (small, cheese & tomato…..no extra toppings).

23. Repeat steps 1-22 until you are as rich as you need to be.

Pah!! And they say it’s difficult. See you down the yacht club my friends.

Andrew Peters is a remarkably unfamous writer who is far too lazy to write any novels ever, but churns out plenty of short stories, many of them about Otis King, Memphis’ Number One Blues Detective.

He will be very happy to order a small cheese & tomato pizza at your expense if you care to invest in his masterpieces.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Blues-Detective-ebook/dp/B008PB1S66/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348502074&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Case-For-Blues-Detective-ebook/dp/B009FDSYYM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348501783&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Solos-ebook/dp/B008PBOLLK/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1348502146&sr=1-1

20 Comments

Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

20 responses to “Guest Blogger, Andrew N. Peters

  1. Classic love the guest blogger Andrew Peters – do I need the N?
    I will attempt to find this and download it on my samsung but it is not always helpful in letting me do stuff as it came from Etisilat!
    and as we know they are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot.

    Keep the blogs coming please, beg, grovel, crawl as they lighten my day and pretty much always give me a much needed chuckle or lol moment, kind of embarassing when sitting in the lounge at an airport but then I don’t really care that much, this is afterall me we are talking about.

    Like

  2. I absolutely must comment! Seumas, I follow you because I love your humorous voice. Now I can also thank you for introducing Andrew. Andrew, you made my day. Since all writers can relate, I Tweeted your guest post. Another author has already Retweeted. Who knows where it will go from there? It’s wonderful when writers don’t take themselves too seriously. All the best to you both, Seumas and Andrew.

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    • Andrew is an extremely talented and witty writer, whose work I’ve only just recently discovered.. I read all three of his latest offerings, each in a single sitting.. loved them !! Have a great day, m’Lady 🙂

      Like

  3. Linda Bonney Olin

    Hello, Seumas. I was lured here by Andrew’s latest piece of shameless huckstering on Facebook.

    I can personally vouch for the pertinence of advice #14, having subjected his first download of The Blues Detective to a relentless reaming on my Amazon review. After all, one expects a certain standard of proofreading for one’s two-ninety-nine, doesn’t one? (Gawd, those Yookay mannerisms are starting to rub off on me.)

    Which reminds me, Andrew, National Punctuation Day was celebrated this week. By some people, anyway. As good a reason as any to raise a glass of that Welsh toilet cleaner you were telling me about.

    Now back to my manuscript, after I tweet Andrew’s post and bake a single slice of frozen tomato and cheese pizza for lunch. (I aspire to accumulate enough Amazon royalties to order a full pizza like my idol Andrew.) Shoo, cat!

    Linda

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    • LUV IT !! I think we all have to tread carefully on that fine line between ‘huckstering’ and ‘legitimate promotion’ to get our masterpieces into the hands of the deserving publics at large !! Great reply to the blog post, Thank you m’Lady :):)

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  4. Hola Mr. Andrew Peters! Most enjoyable post – will be following your marvellous advice as soon as all cats, dogs and children can be removed from the general vicinity of my computer. Until this is achieved, I believe that I can manage the second part of 2 and all of 9. 🙂
    Adios & very best wishes.

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  5. Andrew, I was with you up to steps 11 and 12 and…it must have been all the wine…I will attempt to start the steps again tomorrow.

    On a sober note, it was a very entertaining post. Well done, Seamus for finding someone as funny as yourself to post.

    Like

  6. That wine can really make the writing world go round, huh ? Cheers , Stephen…I still have your novels in the pipleine to read and review sir ! :):)

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  7. Possibly the most entertaining and witty blog post what I have ever read anywhere in my whole life!

    Like

  8. Brilliant! As ever!
    It’s an honour to design covers for such amazing stories, Andrew! 😉

    Like

  9. Great post Andrew. Funny and yet insightful as well.

    Like

  10. David McGown,, sleep, shleep, sleep, shure, shir, shleep :):) it’sh eashy..

    Like

  11. Pattyann McCarthy

    HYSTERICAL! Too true, but HYSTERICAL! : )

    Like

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