Tag Archives: #TBSU

…I am to technological devices what square wheels are to a bicycle…

…if there were an Olympics candidate for ‘The-Totally-Challenged-With-Any-Kind-Of-Electronic-Gadget’, then I’m yer huckleberry… it’s a talent I became aware of at any early age… witness the initial Master Gallacher attempt to drill a hole in a kitchen wall with one of these impressive weapons, a small, but weighty, electric pneumatic-drill-lookalike thing…


…the first push at the plaster on the wall was simple enuff, then a kinda obstruction seemed to push back against the ‘bit’ (technical term, there, Mabel…it’s the pointy end of the drill)… undaunted, the non-carpenteric genius in me shoved even harder with the tool… a screeching sound keened from the wall, followed immediately by an explosion… yes… an explosion… it appears that it’s not a clever idea to drill into the metal jacket protecting live electric wires hidden in any wall, kitchen or otherwise… plaster sprayed everywhere… the end of the drill was bent, burnt, blackened, blasted completely out of commission… I may have said something like, ‘oops, how unfortunate’… the wife of that time uttered something a tad more forceful (the divorce was not long afterward, and I’ve no notion as to how much the kitchen deconstruction had to do with it)… of course, the unreasonable action of the wall in not cooperating in this reinvention of sandblasting resulted in my downing tool (singular)… never to pick up again in the ensuing forty years… the anathema that these devices display toward me is quite incomprehensible, and stretch to other-things-of-the-devil, like computers, mobile phones and their breed… it takes me around three years (give or take another five years) to figure out how to do the difficult stuff such as make a forwarding call on a mobile, or text a group of people simultaneously…


…but at least the Blackberry hasn’t exploded… yet… but then, when the need arises to swap in for the next improved model… it confounds the heck out of me, if there’s sum’thing like a succession of ten improvements in a particular model or product over a span of less than four years, how bad must the model or product have been in the first place?… answers please by text… I’ve WURKED that one out for now… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!


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… ‘trickle-up’ economics for all we Authors…

…unless yer name’s Lee Child or ye’re that wee Rowling lassie, chances are, as a quill-scraper, yeez have more than a passing fascination with the Amazon Author’s Sales pages… and now the Great God Amazon has introduced these fancy-coloured squiggly graphs showing yer daily sales and the individual markets where good folks have seen fit to download yer masterpieces… ‘fess up time… this ol’ Jurassic initially clocked the sales figures no more than a thousand times a day, ‘way back when I first got hypnotised with the Kindle sales channels… thankfully, that exercise has tempered somewhat to looking at the numbers less than a hundred times daily… this scribbler has been more than blessed with readership support, with in excess of 80,000 sales/downloads across my three crime thriller titles in the Jack Calder series, and the SELF-PUBLISHING STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL SALES… however, that kinda surge is not sustainable (regardless of what my writer’s ego may think otherwise)… so, what constitutes ‘acceptable’ download levels now?… in my not so ‘umble opinion, even one single download is to be treasured… that emb’dy should think my efforts worthy of a read still blows my mind… better still, those who spend the time and effort to publish reviews on the Amazon pages is phenomenal to all of we scriveners… so, back to the aggregate sales… the old adage in cricket terms is ‘no need to hit sixes—hang around and get yer runs in ones and twos’… I also endorse the retail industry mantra… ’a lot of little makes a lot’ … and what more appropriate ‘Amazon’ corollary, than that even the mighty Amazon river begins as a mere trickle?… the political spin-merchants used to rabbit on about ‘trickle-down economics’ … for we Lads and Lassies in Blog Land, we can invert that… it’s ’trickle-up’ economics for we Authors… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!… here’s my ‘tricklers’ :

wall copy 2

Savage Payback                :   http://amzn.to/1oyHNah

Vengeance Wears Black :    http://amzn.to/W59BB3

The Violin Man’s Legacy:   http://amzn.to/10wnMXB





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…an endangered species.. the Punster Par Excellence…

…the art of the well-placed, and even better, well-timed pun, accompanied with the throwaway panache to make the pun sound brilliant, is a talent given to very few… a few decades ago, when this ol’ Jurassic earned his coin in Her Britannic Majesty’s colony of Hong Kong, the court magistracy’s bench was populated almost exclusively by British, Kiwi and Aussie barristers and lawyers… one such giant of that learned profession has stories told about him which became ‘instant legend’ around the taverns of the expatriate brigades… we shall not print the name, in order to protect the guilty, but one particular sample of this gentlemen’s wit and speed of thought in the court room stands out… he was acting as Counsel for a husband whose wife was suing for divorce… the proceedings had turned rather nasty, with vitriol slinging across the court room, principally from the mouth of the supposedly maligned wife… the sitting judge was of the ancient variety, not the most alert legal creature ever to preside over domestic courtroom squabbles…


old judge

…Counsel had asked the wife to proffer some specific grounds as to why she sought to end the marriage… being somewhat flustered, she stammered, ‘well, he’d come home sometimes from trips abroad with these…these …social diseases‘… the poor Lord Judge, not being much of the world of affairs, in or out of wedlock, raised his eyebrows and leaned over to enquire of the wife, ‘social diseases?… what do you mean by social diseases?’… at this juncture, she became even more flustered and blurted out, ‘you know, social diseasesVenetian Disease’… the Judge looked askance, even more none-the-wiser, and beckoned to Counsel for enlightenment… the genius of the barristerial robes, raised his finger and explained, ‘Ah, m’Lord, a clear case of Gondolier!’…


…it is not recorded whether the lady won her case or not… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



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…when is an Iconic Author not an Iconic Author?… when he’s being a scaredy-cat sissy at the dentist…

…they breed ‘em tough where I come from in Docklands Govan in Glasgow… a hard crew, not to be meddled with lightly… sculpted and hewn by centuries of aggression we are… except when it comes to the dentist… ‘fess up time… if had to choose between walking across molten coals barefoot, or a session in that reclining ‘yeez-won’t-feel-a-thing’ lounger, give me the former every time… after six-plus decades, ‘decayed’ is the operative WURD for some of my chomping gear… for over half a century, this ol’ Jurassic has plied himself assiduously to undermining his natural dental apparatus by an unending ration of chocolate (who hasn’t?), ice-cream (but only by the bucket-load, mind) and all manners of edible stuff, non-conducive to healthy molars… little wonder then, that the infrequent sojourns to the gob-driller fill me with trepidation, bordering on outright anticipated terror… this bold Iconic Author the Nobel Literary Prize Panel has grown to LUV and ignore transmorphs into the biggest wuss on the planet… the dilemma develops when the bluudy toothache overrides the anxiety of the impending visit to the clinic… choice to make… suffer.. or suffer… yeez have to make tough calls in life sum’times… so, yesterday, this excuse for a transformed Braveheart fronted up to my dental pal, a genial bloke in his civvies, Dr Mark Partridge of the British Dental Clinic here in Abu Dhabi

dentist extracting patients tooth

…when he started talking dirty to me, i.e ‘root canal’, ‘anaesthetic shots’, ‘impacted wisdom tooth’, I was jelly in his chair… okay… ticked off the life insurance coverage (does it cover ‘being a lily-backed coward’?), invoked the divine intercession of umpteen different prayer Gods, and pleaded with the good Doc Partridge to ‘be gentle with me’… and behold and lo, d’yeez know what?… the man was terrific… how often do yeez hear that said about a dentist?… I don’t know about ‘bedside manner’, but his ‘dental-chairside manner’ is magnificent… he talked me through every bit of what was going on… for the first time in that horizontal-gazing-at-the-surgical-dentist’s-light position, I actually felt comfortable… I will not lie and say it was enjoyable, but the experience was absent the usual knuckle-tensed gripping of the lounger… it was all over in an hour… and it only felt like 60 minutes… well done, hats off, and fillings off, to Dr Mark Partridge… this was not intended as a ‘puff piece’ for he and his practice, but what the hell… for what the guy did not put me through, here’s where yeez’ll find him, if ever yeez are here in Abu Dhabi Kamel Kuntry and need a place to get yer ‘wallies’ fixed:

Doctor Mark Partridge:  http://www.britishdentalclinic.ae


…see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!…



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…yeez’ll have to call me back later, there’s not enuff people listening to me yet…

…one of the oldest computer and communications gadgetry Jurassics I may well be (I do a lap of honour every time my Mac lights up when I click on it), but there’s other folks who take it all a bit too far… today I made a short flight on business, which meant about an hour’s wait in the airport lounge… it was modestly busy, and the breakfast fare (free) was edible… I got the internet password from the lounge receptionist and began to get updated on my day’s SOSYAL NETWURKIN stuff… then in walked THE MAN


…yeez’ve all seen him… and what’s more, yeez’ve all heard him… not just a mobile phone, but one of those weird contraptions where the bit sticks in yer ear lobe, and a wee aerial makes it look as if yer brain’s taking in satellite signals… the end he talked into was like a one-inch-diametered black leech on the side of his face… strapped there like a telephone operator’s apparatus… now, whoever the poor b*stard was listening to his diatribe at the other end of the link, (decidedly more of a monologue than a dialogue) received, at a minimum, two dozen instructions from MISTER IMPORTANT… all in the space of ten minutes… the rest of the other fifteen or so of we transient occupants of the lounge were not spared from overhearing the ‘eloquence’ (new definition of ‘eloquence’=‘bullsh*t’) spilling out… in that wonderful kinship that instantaneously develops among those of us too polite to tell MOTORMOUTH to shut the feck up, the knowing glances at each other with the eyebrow raised ceilingward spoke silent volumes which became the morning’s entertainment… this new Lord of the Airwaves, rabbited on and on and on… we were treated to an aural barrage, as the topics switched from supposedly big business matters, to more personal deals the man seemed to be involved in… the repeated dropping of the words, ‘millions’, and ‘hundreds of thousands’ caused stifled smirks from his unknown-to-him,-by-now-enraptured-audience… it took me back almost thirty years to Hong Kong… when mobile phones were the latest ‘must-have’ phenomenon… back then the mobile contraption was the size of a small house-brick, and the louder the conversation, the more impressive the user thought himself or herself… I often imagined in those days part of the poser’s conversation might have been, ‘yeez’ll have to call me back later, there’s not enuff people listening to me yet’that’s where I must have seen MISTER PONTIFICANT before… deja vu all over again, Mabel… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



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…accepting gifts from the reviewing Gods… an Author’s perfect present…

…no self-respecting quill-scraper is embarrassed to admit the frisson of ecstasy yeez experience when an out-of-the-blue glowing review for yer WURK hits the Amazon and Goodreads pages… here’s what arrived on those review pages yesterday… LUV IT!…

..there are certain reviewers whose opinions I value so highly they are off the upper scale… one such is Chris Graham,Graham Christopher ) The ‘Storyreading Ape’ Blogger, and superb supporter of authors everywhere… I’m indebted to him for seeing fit to honour my SELF-PUBLISHING GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL SALES with the following 5-star review… thanks gazillions, that man…

5.0 out of 5 stars

Written by someone who knows what he’s talking about.,

22 Aug 2014

By Chris Graham (Manchester, UK) -

This review is from: Self-Publishing Steps To Successful Sales (Kindle Edition)

I’m not an author but if I was THIS is the book I’d use to guide me through the process of getting it published, promoted, advertised, marketed and placed in front of potential readers WITHOUT SPAMMING.

Seumas certainly successfully practices what he preaches and gives sage, hard won advice at every level covered in the book.

If you believe that being an author stops at writing terrific stories, guess again.

This is a practical, unembellished, step by step business plan of action that every self-published author should read, whether they are just starting out or already seasoned veterans.

Highly recommended.

USA  : http://amzn.to/1lt6bcv

UK    : http://www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Publishing-Steps-To-Successful-Sales-ebook/dp/B00JBL6K80/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1396072562&sr=8-6&keywords=seumas+gallacher





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…may whatever God you have, be with you, Paul Gascoigne… and thank you, Harry Redknapp…

..a wee serious post…I’ll do this once, and once only… like many others who LUV the great game of football, I’m more than saddened to see the continued mental and physical turmoil that Paul Gascoigne is suffering… but more than that, I feel intensely for the guy inside fighting all that hurt and pain… only those who have been there and suffered this dreadful illness, alcoholism, can even remotely understand what he’s battling…. I note with disdain the uneducated snipers and gutter press who batter the headlines with pejorative insults against the man… they have no idea… I’m also uplifted with a news snippet where I note QPR’s Manager, Harry Redknapp, has offered to let Gazza train some of his youth academy, and will even pick him up at 5.45 every morning to go to London, and drive him back home afterwards each day…
…apart from the professional medical help he obviously still needs, what Harry is offering is equally important… an opportunity for Gazza to regain some of his human dignity… to let his spirit rebuild by being usefully employed, applying some of the God-given talents he possesses… may whatever God he might have, look after an ex-player who has given so much pleasure to others earlier in his life… and thank you, Harry Redknapp, for restoring a bit of my own faith in human kindliness… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



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